Find that place in your being that opens the heart. Now you are in an unbalanced environment, which is marked by aggression, competition, acquisition, and manipulation. Soon you will be in a more balanced situation and meet a variety of people. What if you had slept with all the guys who showed attraction? It is better you decide what you will do in these matters. Your personal integrity is more important than anything else. When you get in a permanent/steady personal relationship there will be enough crap to contend with then. Concentrate on your non-sexual achievments and accomplishments now - everything in its time.
Men have always hurt women's feelings. Anything else is fantasy - and vice versa. Some of us have a veneer of culture, some only a light film, so be aware. Surrender to the Master. You'll be guided right. That's why nothing's worked out yet; it's not the time. You the time, the place, the person and the karma will meet. Do not choose the pathetic Trini motto: Before none, any.
Here they don't even want you water your plants and surrounding so I guess clebrating earth day would be a farce. The Northern Range is all burnt out from flash fires, many deliberately set; the green sentinels that circled DiegoMartin in their protective arms are now a bedraggled lot , brown, dried and scarred from the infestation of human exema that eats into its verdant skin, making room on one side for clusters of low income self-help housing higher and higher up the slopes. On the Western side the same thing exists, except that they are planned and exceedingly large and highpriced.
BalmYour letters and the love in them are a balm for this antediluvian, who can hardly bear the destruction of this valley, which is both representative and symptomatic of the whole country. Still the water running in the neighbour's yard across the street as she makes sure her carefully tended horticulture gives added value to the immediate environment and her roses of different colours standing large and tall in the morning sunlight, send in kisses to the universe. I join them.
The world is overpopulated so you can put your childbearing on hold. Relationships are great for what - five minutes- then you have to toddle along and compromise forever - so what's the hurry. Why be tied down by uninformed choice too early.. When you relax from studying, write down all you'd like to be, and what you'll do to achieve the state you really really want. I'm challenging you - to challenge yourself.
The trick I guess is to see each act as sacred and magical - as I sit here dawn sunlight filtering through my window and highlighting a part of my wall reminds me to look at the light. In any case love=service. You are expressing great love to your friend and God by your act and your interest. Our days are therefore filled with sacred things; with wonders and signs. It's up us to observe and recognize them.
Art and service should reward more commensurately with the other paths. In any case the ratracers are only at a temporary level of consciousness. They are learning different lessons from us.
When I finished cutting our little lawn in the brilliant Antillean sunshine, sweat pouring off me , I admired its deep turquoise green among the many brown bedraggled ones around. It's so pretty that I'm sure the water police are cruising around trying to catch me watering.The neigbour's four red roses stand tall over the road applauding my efforts as they look like rouge on the skyscape's cheeks, which suddenly scowls and promises to bring rain which it has not done for more than two months. My heart, too, needs some kind of rain to make it mellow and green for it's dry as dust and arid as any Saharan sandhill. Oh for a Keatsian destiny to fade in romantic languor or to go out with a bang like a lusty Elizabethan., in a challenge to sword and satan in the ribald merriment, jousts and adventure in all the worlds. I'm not fully myself today, do not accept to be bogged down by the minutiae that demands priority daily. Though eventually I must succumb to their will in a deep melancholy that sucks at the spirit like a socouyant. I must get some salt and sprinkle in the corners, must find the mortar with the hidden skin and pepper it, must put some rice grains on the doorsteps so daylight will catch the wretch that haunts.
InvolvementTry to recall if you ever saw me studying. I was a member of 17+ UWI clubs and organizations, most of which depended on me especially the publishing arm, photography and drama. I also found time to drive around with certain people and do things certain people don't know about and won't ever know.
© Anson Gonzalez 1998
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